Dear seller: The evolving role of buyer love letters in real estate

While many lovebirds may have welcomed Valentine’s Day cards and love letters last week, real estate “love letters” are facing a more complicated relationship.

For years, homebuyers in competitive markets like Los Altos and Silicon Valley have written heartfelt letters to sellers, hoping to create an emotional connection and gain an edge in a multiple-offer situation. These so-called “buyer love letters” often express admiration for a home, share personal stories and paint a picture of future memories. After all, buying a home isn’t just a financial decision – it’s an emotional one.

But recently, the National Association of Realtors (NAR) has started to raise concerns about this practice, warning that these letters could lead to unintended Fair Housing violations. With new rules in place and shifting industry sentiment, should buyers still be sending love letters to sellers? Or is it time for a breakup?

Fair Housing concerns

In 2023, the NAR published an article cautioning against buyer love letters, warning that they could unintentionally lead to Fair Housing violations. The concern is that these letters often include personal details – sometimes even photos – that reveal a buyer’s race, religion, ethnicity, family status or other characteristics protected under Fair Housing laws. If a seller were to make their decision based on any of these factors, even unintentionally, it could be seen as discriminatory.

While there haven’t been any high-profile lawsuits over buyer letters that I’m aware of, the general sentiment around them is shifting. In 2021, Oregon even passed a law banning them, though it was struck down in 2022. More recently, in July 2023, the NAR introduced new language to listing agreements nationwide, requiring sellers to explicitly decide upfront whether they will accept buyer letters. The updated listing agreements now include a clear choice:

Option A: The seller instructs the broker not to present buyer letters.

Option B: The seller allows buyer letters – but acknowledges they are doing so against the broker’s advice.

This means that while buyer letters are still legal and buyers can still write them, sellers and their agents must now make a conscious decision about whether they will consider them.

Problematic letters

A well-intended letter might say something like:

“When we saw the beautiful fireplace, we imagined cozy family game nights with our three kids, making popcorn and sharing laughs.”

This is fairly neutral. However, if the letter instead says:

“We pictured our family gathered around the tree on Christmas morning,”

it introduces a religious element. If the seller then chooses this buyer over another, it could be perceived as religious discrimination.

This is why the NAR and many real estate professionals are becoming more cautious. Even if a seller isn’t consciously making a decision based on personal details, the perception alone can be problematic.

Should Buyers Still Write Letters?

Despite these concerns, I still believe buyer letters can be a valuable tool – if written thoughtfully. In a competitive market, buyers should use every advantage they can to make their offer stand out. However, letters should focus on the home itself rather than personal characteristics. Examples include: 

Good: “The natural light in the kitchen is amazing, and we can see ourselves enjoying morning coffee by the window.”

Risky: “We can’t wait to bake Christmas cookies here with our kids.”

The key is to keep the letter personal but neutral, focusing on the home’s features and how they inspire the buyer – without revealing details that could be linked to a protected class.

A balanced approach

A decade ago, I was featured in an article titled “Dear Seller, Please Choose Me!” discussing how buyer letters were being used to win over sellers. At that time, offer presentations were often in person and I even encouraged buyers to go the extra mile – sometimes including a short video or even a box of chocolates to make a lasting impression.

The market has evolved since then, and so has the conversation around these letters. While they still have a place in real estate, the approach needs to be more mindful. Buying and selling a home is an emotional process, and a well-written letter can create a connection between buyer and seller – but it should do so in a way that avoids potential Fair Housing pitfalls.

Looking Ahead

Of course, a compelling letter is just one of many strategies to stand out in a multiple-offer scenario. While price is often the biggest factor, sellers also consider contingencies, timing and overall offer strength. In a future column, I’ll share my top tips for buyers looking to gain a competitive edge in today’s fast-moving market.

For now, my advice is this: If you’re a buyer, talk to your real estate agent about whether a letter makes sense for your situation and how to craft it wisely. If you’re a seller, consider whether you’re comfortable receiving buyer letters – and make sure you understand the potential risks before deciding.

Real estate is always changing, but one thing remains constant: Thoughtful, strategic moves can make all the difference in getting the home of your dreams.